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    State of the Mono + Story/Tec Updates

    Hi everyone!

    I was on the fence about writing this, but enough people have asked here or on Twitter about my lack of activity, so I thought I should try and write something. Originally I didn’t want to because I felt bad that here was another blogpost explaining the shit I’m going through, but didn’t I leave Fimfiction so I wouldn’t feel that way anymore? 

    So here I am. 

    I’m going to divide everything into sections, including individual updates on stories, but for a TL;DR, the past six months of my life have been insurmountably difficult on me, and it’s only just begun to ease up. I still want to write but it’s been hard. But I still want to, which I figure counts for something. 

    I’ll start with the general life stuff and then go to stories.

    There’s not much to say here except that my current job is draining the life out of me. It has been for a while, and extremely so in the past few months where I get home so exhausted I can’t even think. I particularly had a coworker who would undermine me so much for so long that it just ruined my self-esteem and confidence. They left a few months ago, and though I’ve managed to build some of it back up, it’s still very much still in the ruined area. I’ve also held off looking for a different job because I’m going to school next year, and because my bosses are nice people even if they’re god-awful bosses. But I can’t anymore. I miss feeling alive, lol. I’ve finally just started applying for other jobs, but obviously, this comes with the crushing blow of rejections and anxiety and feeling like I’m not going to get out. It’s been really rough. 

    I haven’t really addressed this anywhere else, but I think I sort of can now. My home situation for the past few months was not great—through no fault of anyone, it’s important to add. Sometimes a good situation just comes to an end, and that’s okay. Unfortunately, because of my mental health being drained both at home and at work, for the longest time it felt like I was a shell. I only just recently moved out, and though I think it was the right choice and the relationships I cared about have started to heal, it’s still rough. There’s been moving, and getting acclimated, plus this was a lot more expensive than I anticipated, so it’s just been A Lot. I also had a personal problem spring up that was brutal to deal with, and I’m still dealing with the lasting damages it caused, but… But it’s improving and I’m working on it. Healing is slow, but it’s there. 

    I’m gonna keep it short, because the next segment will be long. My mental health has been in the shitter. There’s really no other way to put it. Between work stuff, and home stuff, and just stuff happening one after the other, and also world in general stuff, I’ve been dead. I also feel guilt for not writing and guilt for selling my books at Everfree and just guilt for everything. I feel like every day my life is shit, and every day all I can think is “It’s my fault”. I am trying my best to overcome it, and work on it, and going to therapy and all that, but it is so hard. I barely feel human. I feel like I’m on auto-pilot, mindlessly going through it because what is the point?

    Which leads me to



    I miss writing. I miss missing writing. But with just how ruinous this entire year has been, every day is a struggle to want to do it. I’m still doing it and am trying because I want to despite it all, but every day is a fight against the voices saying “who cares, it’s just stories, just cancel them and move on”. 

    I remember the saying “writing is a lonely job”. I never got that or felt that way, but now I get it. I feel so alone with my writing (except for with Crimson/Sapphire). Every day it gets harder and harder to not convince myself that finishing stories isn’t worth it, and no one cares, and everyone’s moved on. I wish I had a glory story, that I left Fimfiction, and all was well, and I’m thriving. 

    But I’m not! And I knew it would be hard, and it is, but with everything going on it’s just been too much. So many aspects of my life have beaten me down to such a level, to a place where I can’t see the point to anything, so it’s easy to convince myself others don’t. I don’t know. I’m just struggling. But I’m trying. I’m writing little drabbles and oneshots and trying. I am, even if it’s hard. 

    There’s a tweet I really love that’s like “If I owe you an email, please find some comfort in the fact that my every waking hour is haunted by my debt to you.”

    Well, if I haven’t finished a story, please find some comfort in the fact that my every waking hour is haunted by my debt to you/myself. 

    Still in this topic, I will address three stories and give a generalized update on them. 

    Quick and simple. This is still cancelled until I finish my other two big fics. I want to finish this, but considering everything going on, I’m not giving anyone hope until I feel it’s actually viable. 

    Sapphire Eyes is on pause right now while I recover my writing muse, but it will be updated as soon as that happens. Crimsonverse is probably the only thing in my life right now still beating if only because it’s good enough I’m using it for my Grad School applications. And because I recently saw the theatre version of Moulin Rouge and that really inspired me. But Crimson is okay right now. 

    I’m going to be blunt with this because I need to be, for my sake and yours. 

    TEC is on what could be considered life-support right now. I am so exhausted by life, like I said, beaten down to a point where I don’t know if anything matters anymore, and TEC and the Enchanted Series as always is the one that suffers the most. 

    I am struggling to find a reason to finish this. I thought I could do it support entirely by my own love for the series, but when I have no love or life left to give, I don’t know what else to do. I feel so alone writing this series. And right now, in this state, I can’t bear another year or two of the effort it is to write this and write it well, only to feel alone, like I’m putting so much work for something that so little will enjoy. 

    I recognize that’s toxic. God, I know that relying on external validation is the root of all evil, and it’s not right, and you shouldn’t, but God, I am fighting and failing to find a point to trying to finish it at all. It’s part of the reason I haven’t updated even though I know how the next chapter goes. Because I’m so afraid that I’ll go through it, get excited about the series again, post it, and feel like it didn’t even matter, like it was a blip in the radar. 

    I don’t regret leaving Fimfiction, that place was not good for me (highlighted by some really disturbing stuff that was said about me there recently), and I thought TEC would survive the transition and loss of audience, but every passing day, I’m starting to feel it won’t. Maybe if my life hadn’t been a shitshow for so long, it would have.

    And yet. 

    And yet, I was recently re-reading Crimson Lips in preparation for selling it at EFNW and I came across an excerpt that felt strikingly apt. Painfully so, almost. 

    I turned to the Lady when she sniffled, the both of us looking at each other as we earlier had when I’d first arrived. There was still love there. That’s the worst part of it, I think. The fact that there was still life beating in the mangled pulsing flesh that was the heart of our relationship.

    Everything I was, I was because of her.

    Crimson Lips, “22. ‘Till The Streets Bleed Like Our Hearts”

    In so many ways, I am who I am right now because of The Enchanted series. I am living in Los Angeles because of it, I met my closest best friends because of it, I am who I am as a writer because of these stories that are so much a part of me that they’re the first to bleed when I am bleeding. 

    Nothing hurts me more to a visceral level than struggling with TEC. But I’m struggling, and it hurts, and it feels like shit, and it feels so much easier to quit just so I can stop feeling this way. But I can’t. I don’t want to. 

    A long time ago, when I was struggling with finishing The Enchanted Library, I was telling my dear friend Cynewulf about it and she said this to me: 

    It would be a sad thing to quit. (It is always a sad thing to quit just about anything that isn’t a drug of some sort. And even then, subjectively one FEELS sad, as if some thing or other has been lost. That is the cruel thing about addiction.) Not only would it be sad for your readers and, I confess, myself, but it would also be sad for you. The relief that comes from throwing off a long-held and dear burden is immediate but shortlived. The regret follows you for much, much longer. 

    I think about this quote so much. Because it’s true. If I choose to quit the story, it will haunt me until I die. But I am struggling. The regret is starting to feel like something I can live with, and I don’t want that. I don’t want to quit, I have been thinking about the ending of this stupid series for so fucking long, I want to see it through. 

    So, I am fighting agains my shame and guilt to ask a favor of you, if you are reading this and care. 

    If you care about TEC, if you are in any way invested in seeing it finished, if you care, then please help me. I’m asking for help. If you have favorite passages, post them, or talk about them I don’t know. If you’re on the Discord server, you have my blanket permission to harass me for updates, to poke me about it, I don’t know. If you care, if you want to see this finished, help me believe that there’s a point to it. 

    I know people care. I know this on brain level, I know this, but right now I am so deep in the hole, that I need to be pummeled with hammers to see it. This isn’t about my writing. It’s just about TEC and The Enchanted series. If you care about them, in any way you can, please metaphorically hold my hand and help me walk until I don’t need the help.

    “I have to help Princess Luna and the others. I’m sorry. I can’t give up on them.”

    Now Rarity reacted, her hoof flying down to her chest. “I know that. I would never dream of asking you to do that. I’m just… If you get hurt, or…”

    “I know,” Twilight said, gently. Remorsefully, her ears folding back. “And I wish I could, but I can’t promise you I won’t get hurt. I can’t promise you something won’t set me off, or I won’t lose myself again, or Discord won’t hurt me, or… Or that I won’t blame myself anymore because I’ve been doing it for centuries! That’s a lot of years of bad habits to break! But…

    “But I’m going to get better. Even if it’s hard. I won’t be great at it all the time, and even though I’m statistically likely to have tons of regressions, I’m still going to keep getting better no matter how long it takes me, whether you’re there or not.”

    The Enchanted Kingdom, “Chapter 22 – The Filly Who Believed”

    I’m going to finish TEC. I know this. Sooner or later, I will, be it in ten years or twenty or three or four. Just like Twilight will work through the fifty million traumas I saddled her with even if it takes ten years or twenty or three or four. 

    But if you, like Rarity, care and want to be part of that journey, I am stuck real deep in my underground library and could use some help in getting out of being dead displaced.



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    1. Alison M
      Aug 15, '22 at 5:18 pm

      The way you write raritwi makes my heart flutter in ways I haven’t felt in a long time. It gives me hope, and not just because I see so much of myself in the characters. Deeply and sincerely, thank you. Each story of yours I’ve read (which has very rapidly become most of them) feels like a gift to us, your audience.

      Now that the nice stuff is out of the way…

    2. Finn
      Aug 15, '22 at 3:48 pm

      I don’t really feel like I have the ability to write anything of much substance that could sum up how much I loved reading and rereading The Enchanted Library series, so instead I’ll just put my favorite passages.

      But actually I hate favorites and the idea/process of narrowing things down in such a vague way, so I’ll just say that every time characters actually went and spoke to each other, being truthfull and straight, always felt amazing to read, like it made the pain and darkness all worh it. The Enchanted Library is one of the first peices of fanfiction that I can remember reading, and it is the only one I have recommended to other people in my life to read. I may be much more of a friendshipper than a shipper, but every one of your stories has been a delight to read no matter how much I would originally think they would be outside of my interest range.

      Thank you for everything you have written.

    3. VanSharkholme
      Aug 15, '22 at 10:12 am

      Stay strong mono! You’re definitely not alone, your story gave me support when I was preparing for college entrance exam last year, the stress was so intense and I kept thinking about how bad my life would be if I failed, it seemed there’s only neverending darkness ahead of me , the only thing that would make me feel better was reading pony fictions so I can escape to another world. And your story is definitely one of the best I’ve read, I literally cried when Twilight was freed from the old library even though it was in the middle of a class. So I think now it’s my turn to support you! No matter how long it will take you to finish the trilogy, I will always be waiting and supporting you!

    4. Eddie
      Aug 15, '22 at 6:05 am

      I feel a need to clarify my thoughts, given Nadnerb’s comment, which felt a bit aimed at me even though I don’t think my comment was visible at the time. (You understand why I lurk most of the time now.)

      I certainly care whether or not it ends. I will be very disappointed if you don’t finish it, and reading TEC is something I’m looking forward to a lot. When I noticed a new chapter of TEK or TEC has come out in the past, I have immediately dropped whatever else I was doing to read it. I anticipate it that much, and it’s one of the only things that can immediately drag my attention away from other things.

      My point was that if it’s damaging to your mental health, or if you despise every minute of writing it, you should take care of yourself. You, yourself, have commented on how outside opinions damaged your mental health to the point that you left FIMFiction, for example, and the part of me who cares about others as people doesn’t like seeing someone else suffer for my benefit.

      But I will make my opinion unambiguous–you should finish TEC! There’s no question in my mind about that. I somehow found three moments in TEL to highlight over the others, but will note that I’ve read TEL at least half a dozen times and it’s spent a lot of time living in my head for me to be able to select just those three. There are a lot more I could point out, including the entire first chapter. There’s a reason it won the award a few years back. And then TEK is just phenomenal all the way through, to the point where I haven’t yet been able to pick out too many individual moments, and TEC is off to a great start.

      I hope you finish it.

    5. John T Smith
      Aug 15, '22 at 12:52 am

      I am
      not so good with the encouragement thing

      but I have been reading your work for quite some time, and thoroughly enjoy them. so, as I will likely forget to write a comment every single time, please envision a quietly giggling/sobbing bodybuilder every time you write/post
      as that is me every time I read what you write

    6. A Deer
      Aug 15, '22 at 12:49 am

      Think I accidentally posted this as private, so reposting:

      Came across your stories a few weeks ago. Read TEL and it made me start writing. It made me want to express myself through fiction. Thank you. Reading TEL meant a lot to me. Twilight overcoming what she did made me think about my own struggles. Hope was a major theme I picked up in the story and it won out in the end. Twilight had to rescue herself but she needed Rarity’s strength to get there.

      I look forward to starting TEK, TEC and your other large stories.

    7. Comment has been marked as private.
    8. Dimbulb
      Aug 15, '22 at 12:13 am

      I’m really good at consuming words, but sadly not at writing them. I’d really like to say something very wise to you but I can’t come up with any except that YOU CAN DO IT, MONO!

    9. Dimbulb
      Aug 15, '22 at 12:10 am

      “You were everything I had, Twilight!” Rarity cut off, stabbing Twilight with every word. “I put everything on hold for you! Don’t you understand?! Everything. M-my career, my friends, my life, all of that I pushed aside for you and for the princesses and for all of this! You became my life, and then I lost you!”

      It was horrific for Twilight, and even more so the guilt that immediately washed over her. Just the idea that… that her entire existence had been the cause of all that. That not only wasshe at fault, again, for someone’s misery, but that this someone was Rarity.

      But for once. For once, when blame was being thrust her way, the princess didn’t take it.

      “I never asked you to help me!” she snapped back. “I never asked you to put everything on hold for me! I never asked you to make me your entire life! You made the choice to get involved, not me!” Her tone turned vicious. “In fact, if I remember correctly, I asked you to stay out of it

      Almost fell off my seat after reading this. Too powerful.

    10. paoiue
      Aug 14, '22 at 11:28 pm

      While I don’t really like commenting much, I had to create an account to let you know that I really do enjoy the stories that you write.

      I first found TEL back on FimFiction, and there was just so much I loved about it. I can’t just point to one point in the story. The way Rarity and Twilight’s characters develop throughout the story, how their relationship changes, the images I see when reading each scene all make for one of my favourite stories I have read, and it’s a testament to your ability to write characters and tell stories.

      The same can be said about TEK.

      While I would like to know how everything plays out in TEC, I don’t mind the wait. You should definitely put your own mental and physical health first.

      Being appreciated for what you do is normal for everyone. Whenever we work on something I’m fairly certain we wish for people to enjoy it if it’s some form of art or it can help people if it’s some product or service. The more invest we are in what we work on the more we wish to see that it does have a positive effect on people.

      Being motivated by reading comments and such should not be treated as some kind of evil. We are all humans in the end, and we sometimes wish to see that people care about what we are doing. In your case, it’s through these comments that you can see the fruits of your labour.

      As long as you are using the motivation to keep writing or improving your writing, then I don’t see an issue. Just don’t let it become a situation where you are chasing the after an ever increasing number of comments. That path can lead to seeing your own work in a negative light when you don’t see as many comments as other stories or chapters. But know that external validation itself is not evil or something to be ashamed of.

      I can see that you really do love and care about the TEL universe that you created. I’m sure many other do as well. But if you really need to put the brakes on writing TEC to get some more exercise, get some more sleep, or just sort out life stuff, then that’s totally understandable. I hope it won’t be forty years until the next chapter :), but I can wait it out. Even if you decide to cancel the rest of TEC, I can respect that decision and hopefully others can as well. At least know that you have two great stories in TEL and TEK plus the many others in your different AUs or one shots.

      Hopefully, the future looks brighter for you. Don’t beat yourself up too much.